Trying to fit in.

Do you remember as kids, we have all once tried to be a part of the "cool kids” groups? We've tried so hard to be friends with these people, that we’ve put our mental peace at stake. We've been made to feel dumb for not understanding their jokes so we've laughed at all their jokes which most of the times didn't make sense to us; just so that we don't feel left out. We tried to fit in. We endeavoured to make them notice us because we were the not-so-popular kids and they were the coolest! Everyone loved them, everyone either talked to them or about them, everyone wanted to hang out with them, everyone gave them their favourite pens to write with in case they had forgotten to get theirs. Why would anyone not wanna be a part of something like that, that had so much attention! When they entered the classroom, everyone would know. They’d shout “WHAT’S UP EVERYBODYYYY!” and everyone would turn to look at ‘em. They strolled in the corridors giving High-Fives and hugs to everyone, walking as if they owned the place. Where do they get so much confidence from?  I always wondered. I was an introvert and what do you expect from one? I had limited social interaction and was never a part of such groups, though I desperately wanted to be. We were kids then. But has anything changed now that we're all ‘grown ups’? Not for me, atleast. 

I brought my best friend- Shikha to Church Street today. She came to Bangalore to shop for her college and apparently she had heard a lot about Church Street and wanted to see the place at least once before she left. I was pretty excited to meet her after a long time and had so many things to share! To my surprise, I didn’t feel the same energy being reciprocated. Shikha had to meet her other friends in Bangalore and since she wasn’t staying here for long, she invited them all on the same day. Honestly, I felt jealous. It was supposed to be just us. I wasn’t close to any of them and I couldn’t share anything personal because I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing it in front of the others. But I didn’t show any displeasure, knowing she had no choice. 

As I walked along the footpath of Church Street today, insecurity crept up my body. I felt timid instantly. People dressed extravagantly, felt like they belonged here and I didn’t.  They all looked prettier, classier, well heeled. How would I fit in? All of us went to a place where most of the crowd enters- Church Street Social. But I am Anti- Social! I smiled to myself at the irony. We chose a place to sit and scanned through the menu. Everyone with me was drinking so I didn’t hesitate to order myself a Beer. As I gulped the drink down my throat, my anxiety released a little. Doesn’t alcohol always help you ease into situations like these? Her friends spoke about how they got into their dream college, have a perfect plan, are working towards their goals, are over achieving everything, while I thought about how waking up in the morning today was a huge task for me. I picked my phone to scroll through the gram for distraction. People had put up stories of them listening to Taylor Swift. I didn’t relate. Does Gen Z even listen to Bollywood proudly anymore or has it just remained their guilty pleasure that they’re embarrassed to admit? I'd any day relate to 'muskurane ki wajah tum ho' but maybe that’s why I don’t fit in. I put up a story of me in Social. 

On our way back, I bumped into this five- six year old kid who requested me to buy his flowers. The dark side of such a happening place. I gave him the money and asked him to sell the flower to someone else since I didn’t want it. He refused and insisted on me buying the flower. I bought one and he said thank you with a very pretty smile and left.

Meeting Shikha didn't feel anything like before- the time we hung out in my balcony and talked about the first time we got drunk or the first crush we had, then stalked random guys and the girls they dated, while sipping on coke and munching on all flavors of lays that we just bought for our little date and later me making her coffee because she loved the one I used to make. And when I went over to her place when I felt like shit, she made me make us some coffee and took me to her terrace where we just looked at the teeny-tiny buildings and lights with sad music and not a word. Maybe we just lost 'us', trying to fit in and the glamour of the city took over where everyone's pretending to be someone they're not. I gave Shikha the flower and we hugged goodbyes hoping to see each other soon.

I got into the metro and headed back home. When I got off the train, it had started drizzling and what better time for a cup of coffee? I ran to my favourite filter coffee place.

“Anna yerad (two) filter coffee” I asked 

He looked up to my familiar voice and asked, “Sakkre jasti na? (extra sugar- ah?)” 

I smiled and nodded ‘yes’.

“Togoli nimma special coffee! (here, your special coffee!) he said and handed over the glasses to me. 

“Thank you” I said and he smiled.

Whilst everything changes, it's this familiarity we crave for when our lives get too busy as we grow up. And that's when I wondered, why do we feel the need to fit in? Everyone has their reasons but is it even worth it? Even if we do fit in, we do it at what cost? Amidst deafening music and chaos around us, we spoke about how hot her girlfriends are and how the guys show up to college in Kawasakis. Is that really what we need to worry about? I felt like I didn't recognize my friend today.

A few days later I had a random conversation with another friend and I think I found ‘my’ reason. She told me how one of her classmates of 6th grade and her recently got into texting each other after a very long time and her classmate out of the blue said “you always made me feel excluded back in school” which had left my friend stunned. She apologized to her classmate saying that she didn’t realise what she was doing back then but regardless of anything, she had hurt her and she was very sorry for it. Her classmate accepted the apology gracefully. 

This got me thinking if I had ever made anyone feel similar, gladly I couldn’t think of anyone. But what I realised then was that, whenever I had a friend’s group and someone new tried to make their way into it or at least I thought they tried to, I would feel threatened. I thought they were gonna “steal” my place. Though I didn’t kick them out of the group, I had a tough time dealing with my feelings. When I was a kid, I had a soft toy of my favourite cartoon character that I loved with all my heart. One day, I was in school and apparently guests had come over and their son loved my toy. My grandparents just gave him the toy and they left with it. When I came home and searched for it, I was told that it was given to someone else, without my permission. I was so heartbroken that I didn’t have my dinner that day. They told me how that kid was more in need of the toy but I failed to understand anything. I was being petty and inconsiderate but I was a child. From then on, whenever I knew we had guests coming over or I went out, I hid my toys. Maybe I just grew up with that insecurity that people around me had the power to take things out of my life. So I held on to them tight, like I hold on to my relationships now. As someone who hated to share her toys with someone, it is hard to share the people you love. When I feel someone else’s importance is growing in the life of my loved ones, I am extremely hurt. I know the tighter I hold on to someone, the harder I’d make it for them to stay. Relationships need to have their freedom and space. But regardless of being understanding about all of this, I haven’t found a way to deal with all the insecurities. I still feel threatened if my best friend has a new best friend or my group has a new funnier member. When I spoke about it to my therapist, she told me this. When your best friend has a new friend, she likes spending time with her because she is a fun person to hang out with. Your friend might have someone new whose importance in your friend’s life grows, but that does not mean your importance reduces. You’re still gonna be her best friend. And that hit me like a meteoroid. If she ditches me for her, then it should be a problem but if she’s managing time for the both of us, it is not. I realised that I should just be more compassionate and understand that the new person probably just needs a friend too. And if I get that, there’s no scope for insecurity. Moreover, if her new friend and I bond, we could have a small gang of our own!

But anyways, it just sounds easy. I am still trying to imply that in my life and it is easier said than done. I have to unlearn a lot of things from my childhood, learn a lot of new things in my adulthood and stuff like this takes time.

I sleep hoping to wake up to a better day where I don't feel the need to fit in because I know I'm meant to stand out. To a day where I feel more beautiful and less threatened. To a day where my confidence matches my capabilities and doesn't fluctuate. Maybe till then, I'll take my time off the gram; a step away from self-hatred, a step towards self-love.