Adulting.

ADULTING.

Every time we complete a milestone in our lives, we feel as though we're now a grown up. Like the first time we had to wear a blazer as a uniform or our first boards or our first relationship. And every time we reach a higher milestone, we think that the last one wasn’t big enough. I mean think about your first heart break. If it were to happen to you now, would you cry like the world was ending? But surely if you go back, it was a huge deal. It fairly even was because you cannot ask a thirteen-year-old to understand the complexities of a relationship. An early teen would only look at it from a perspective of a kid and for them, everything has to go right because their parents have created a perfect world for them. Then as they start tasting the real world, they don’t like it. We’re all like fetuses at every stage of our lives and our womb is the comfort zone which we and the people who love us have made around us. And every time we have to stretch that boundary, it hurts like a kick in the teeth. But every time you do, you find yourself a little, maybe even lose the older you a little, and then you grow a little.   

I've always wanted to be an “Adult”. When my parents used to go to work and I was home alone, I would make myself a cup of coffee and pretend to be a working woman. I would answer fake calls, give presentations to imaginary people and even call them out for not paying attention! After tuitions, I used to go to my favorite cafe and have coffee all by myself and act like it has been a long day! I didn’t miss a chance to feel even the tiniest amount of independence.

And then came an opportunity to go to Bangalore for college. I was ecstatic! I would get to live on my own! I was barely sad about leaving. It was because I had always wanted to get out of Dharwad, my hometown. It felt very restrictive there, you know? You want to spread your wings but the constant need to be a ‘good girl’ would keep them tied. With parents being too scared of the relatives and Neighbours, and the people being too judgy, you just wouldn’t get a chance to be yourself. Going to Bangalore would be my first step towards freedom. We used to come to the city to visit my first cousins when I was a kid, and the city has always fascinated me. There’s something about big cities. The magnificent buildings, the big and beautiful roads, millions of cafes, foods whose name I’d never heard, the alluring city lights, urbane society; what is not to love? Even when everything and everyone seem to be busy, there’s some kind of calmness these cities have to offer. Maybe it is in the sense of achievement or in the freedom or just in that coffee in the balcony of eleventh floor where you stare at the skylines and look back to realize how far you’ve come. Being the child of Bollywood movies, I knew I wouldn’t find it difficult in a new city because it was almost everything I had ever dreamt of- being independent. And like I had expected, I loved this life. I loved buying my own groceries, cooking for myself, doing the laundry and the dishes and just living the life on my own terms. I had made a home for myself in Bangalore. Except that my parents still paid for this life, and I could do only so much. The dream would only be full once I started earning. The time I spent in Bangalore, I would cherish for life, but I had to move on. It is dangerous to get too comfortable in one place. Like Bunny from my favourite movie has said “Kahi pe pohochne ke liye, kahi se nikalna bohot zaroori hota hai. Sahi waqt pe kat lena chahiye, nahi to gile shiqwe hone lagte hai”.

I got through one of the companies through placements and the next thing I know, I am in Delhi- one place I never wished to be in, for obvious reasons. It was hard for my parents to send away a piece of their hearts which they had always treasured and cared for like a baby, to a city which is very far from home and hasn’t been very kind to young girls. It was alarming for me because now I had to make something out of myself. Life is unpredictable and it doesn’t always go the way you want it to and maybe that is the fun part?

As soon as I landed in Delhi, the first thing I did was take off my jacket. Delhi is uncomfortably hot. A little too warm of a welcome than I had expected. I wanted to give this city a chance but one thing I knew for sure was that even if Delhi was a safe city, the haunting extreme weathers would most definitely kill me. But besides that, it was a new city, and I was excited. My excitement knew no bounds when we visited the house my company gave my colleagues and me. It had five balconies. FIVE! If it were up to me, I’d move a bed in one of them and live there. Once my parents were relieved that the area was safe enough for their daughter, they left for airport. I had tears for the first time while saying goodbye to my family, and Dhruv, my brother, cried for the first time too. Amma didn’t hesitate to flood her eyes and kiss me goodbyes while Pappa’s eyes were moist, but he kept smiling to cover that up. I hugged them all and sent them smiling but I am sure all of them cried their way back, individually, because they all share a unique bond with me. We weren’t so emotional when I left for Bangalore but that was because it was closer and anytime we wanted to see each other I could quickly go back. This time it was scary. But I also knew this time would be life changing! I was finally going to be fully independent- complete my dream…

A month later I got my first pay. I was outside of a book festival when I received the notification. I saw it, put the phone back down and continued to wait for my cab back home. On my way back I didn’t feel the joy I was supposed to. The sense of accomplishment was nil. I wanted to go back. I had everything I wanted. Independence, freedom, getting to do what I love. But something didn’t add up. I brushed it off until I realized it almost a month later on my birthday.

So, I’ve liked celebrating my birthdays alone. It is not as sad as it sounds- hear me out. When I was younger, my parents would celebrate my birthdays and the first few years were fine but as I grew up, it started getting annoying. Half of the people that were invited, I didn’t even like. And I had to unwillingly feed them the birthday cake and smile for pictures with our mouths wide open while most of the cake was falling out. And just like that the day would be over in taking care of the guests. So, the next year I convinced my parents that I would like to go out alone during the day, and in the evening have dinner with them. The day was meant for me. It had to be perfect! Since then, I’ve been celebrating my birthdays according to a plan. I’ve made schedules: when to get up, where to have breakfast, what to have for breakfast, when to meet Shikha, everything. I mean it's my birthday, so everything had to be about me, right? Then why would I give anyone else the responsibility for my happiness? So, I used to spend the day with myself and the evening with my friends and family. Since then, it has been going great! Or at least I thought it was. This time when I was alone on my birthday, and I thought “Big deal? I love spending my day alone!” I hate it when I am wrong. It was the time with my friends and family that made it amazing. Or the fact that I looked forward to sharing all that I did that day and having a good laugh. This time I wasn’t alone, I was lonely. Getting your first salary is a milestone and I didn’t have anyone to celebrate the moment with. That is when it all made sense. The milestones in our lives, the joyous moments, birthdays, anniversaries, nothing will ever make you even close to happy if you do not have anyone to share it with. It is bad when you don’t have anyone to share your sadness with, but I think it is worse to not have anyone to share even your happiness with. Of course, I had friends I could call but nobody here I could spend the day with, give a treat to, get drunk on old monk and jam all night with.

People are right when they say that it’s difficult to make friends as you grow older. Because with us our minds grow up too. And they branch out like a system of fungi and reach destinations of thoughts that one couldn’t have imagined they had it in them to think like that. I mean when I was in first grade, I befriended a girl who sat next to me on our first day of school and our surnames were almost similar! We were inseparable for years until she changed schools, and we lost touch. Then in high school I was friends with this one girl who taught me my first swear word- harami. Then in tenth std, I befriended this girl whose house was in the street next to mine, so we walked back home together every day. She’s my soulmate- Shikha. It was easy back then. Till the time I came here, I didn’t even realize how difficult it was to make friends. I spoke to everyone but didn’t really hit it off with anybody. But I saw them bond great with each other. That made me question myself whether there was something wrong with me. If they could be friends with each other and I didn’t fit in because I couldn’t relate to most of the things that they said, maybe I wasn’t good enough for them? I gave up. I’d rather stay alone than be in a group and feel left out. I would come home, talk to Lord Krishn about it and go to bed believing that he’d make everything right. He eventually did, obviously.

I think it’s the law of nature to give you something right after you stop looking for it. A guy in my batch noticed me and just texted me to say that I don’t need to worry about fitting in because I was chosen to be here at the same place as others, for a reason. I was moved. Soon after a month of induction, we finally got into our operations, and I felt so alive again. I made friends with the batch that came much later than I did and one day when I randomly went out with them, we hit it off! The right people always come around. See, as you grow up it is difficult to make friends but when you finally do make friends, they’re gonna be the ones that’ll stick around. What I learnt was to not doubt yourself just because people around you do not approve of you, because Shri Krishn has a plan for all of us even when we don’t have one for ourselves. So, when it gets too overwhelming, just leave it up to God. Take the baggage off of yourself and trust him with all your soul. If something isn’t going your way; when you thought everything was supposed to feel right but it doesn’t; when you feel like you do not belong somewhere, look up and say, “I trust you”. Then just feel the magic happen around you.

Soon it felt like Delhi adjusted itself with time and made space for me. Eventually everything around became beautiful. The streets became merrier. Delhi became more likable. I found my people and found myself too. I knew Delhi was going to be hard, but I also knew it was gonna change me as a person and make me stronger. I was right, it did. New places always help you find a part of you that you didn’t know existed. Things get too overwhelming and sometimes even underwhelming but eventually you learn to deal with it. Delhi taught me what Bangalore didn’t- the value of family and home. The little things that make them happy will make your day. You are just talking to your friends about your childhood and the next thing you know is that you are all teary-eyed. You miss the long walks with your brother. You miss the coffee from your favorite café. You miss knowing directions. You miss sleeping over at your best friend’s house. You miss lying about your whereabouts and hanging out with that one boy your parents have warned you against. But if I could go back and change anything, I wouldn’t. Because I’m sure I wouldn’t have learnt all this had I been where I was. Life is twisted and so are we. We do not live in the moment. That is why we are so attached to the past and so worried about the future. But we also do not know how to value things when we already have them. There’s an article by Heidi Moawad, a former neurologist, where she explains how nostalgia brings in feelings of positivity and comfort. So sometimes our minds use it as a coping mechanism to escape situational disappointment and even anxiety. Maybe that’s just how we’ve conditioned our minds- to live in nostalgia. Because when you move from one place to another or from one phase of your life to another, you always think of the previous one and compare. However, we forget that there’s always two sides to a coin. There’s always something good and something bad about a phase. And the best part is that it is inevitable no matter how hard you try. So, when you learn and realize that you cannot change anything, you just let go. And that is something that probably only comes with experience. People ask you to learn from other’s mistakes, but I feel that unless you go through it yourself, it is all like a science teacher explaining physics to an account’s student. Total bouncer. There are somethings in life where you will have to fail in order to succeed, that can be break ups, that can be the first time you go on a stage to address a crowd or the first time feeling homesick. You cannot learn these from books. No matter how much you think you’re prepared, there will be that one out of syllabus question that will make you sweat. Perhaps, there is no better teacher than life. And once you learn from it, you surprisingly don’t forget!

I know childhood was nice, and I certainly do miss some of it a few times. Waking up for school with everything being ready for you. The geyser has already been turned on, Amma has made breakfast, Pappa has ironed your uniform, and polished your shoes too! All you have to do is dress up and eat while your feet are dangling above the couch and Pappa is trying to make you wear the polished shoes. And when you still have three bites left, you hear your Ajja (grandpa) scream, “Ekta, Van bantaaa!” (Ekta your Van has come!) and you leave everything to stuff your bag with the tiffin box, but Amma will furiously feed you the remaining food while saying “how many times have I told you to wake up early! Not once do you listen to me!” Then soon you are sitting in the van and your entire family is waving to you and wishing you a good day. What a princess I was to my parents. Well, all kids are. But what do they say about elder daughters? They grow up too fast, eh? And when you do, you’re burdened with expectations and decisions that people keep imposing on you. “Why didn’t you score as much as others?”, “Stay away from boys!”, “Why were you out so late? Who were you with?”, “What is your password?”, “Go change what you’re wearing!”, “Choose Science, it has better scope”. And before you know it, you’ve started lying, hiding, crying, being furious. You don’t understand what’s happening because just a while back you were free to do anything but apparently, you’re not. Well now, who would wanna go back to that? Being in a situation where others are making decisions for “your good” but you don’t know what’s good about it because you are either agitated or frustrated most of the time. I hated being helpless. So, I took charge and left the moment I got a chance. That way, I’d have the control of my life and I’d not get to blame anyone if something didn’t go right because even if the decisions went wrong, at least they were mine. I’d hold complete accountability for it and boy oh boy, it is so liberating! Once you start making unapologetic decisions, there’s no going back. Then, people around you adapt to it and stop deciding for you because they know it’s a lost cause. And the moment you get hold of the steering of your life, the journey of adulting starts.

Adulting is like driving to Alaska without maps. You’re confused as to which way to go but suddenly get distracted by the Northern lights. Now you either stop worrying about the destination and the fact that it’s freezing outside and just step out of the car to enjoy the view or you try to get to the destination first while you steal glances at the lights as you sit comfortably inside. It is up to you. For me, Adulting was the Northern lights that I wanted to experience, so I chose to get out of the car. And trust me, it is one of those most beautiful experiences that one must live. To achieve that feeling of independence that I craved for as a child is inexplicable. To see myself slowly become that woman that I dreamt of is something I wish every human being experiences. The sound sleep after a day of hard work, exploring dozens of coffee shops, gazing at at least ten people in the metro everyday- trying to crack what their story is, buying a mug at everyplace you visit, getting your parents gifts, visiting temples to find solace, encountering a variety of people with extremely distinct upbringing and family backgrounds, trying to figure out money, finding it hard to make time for your friends and family, missing home, the little achievements at work, learning to be grateful, paying the electricity bills on your own, seeing people falling in love, failing in love, healing in love, building your own principles, sticking by them, dealing with old issues, developing new ones, succeeding at finding answers and sometimes failing at them. But, amidst all of this, discovering yourself. You think you know yourself, but you only do in a particular situation. And when life tosses these unforeseen shots at you, you find yourself on square one. But it only means that you just crossed the threshold of your comfort zone and stepped into a new one. Soon the horizon will broaden and get bigger, and you will reach another end only to realize that it is the once again a beginning of a new chapter.

Adulting is a path on which everyone has to walk on. It comes with its own set of challenges but also with its own set of blessings. And I urge you to experience it all with a smile on your face because it is all simply beautiful. One thing I have learnt from the industry I work in is to smile in every situation and coincidently that is what Lord Krishn has taught me too. And trust me it helps. Things that are meant to happen, will happen and things that are not, won’t. But there is no point in cribbing about what you don’t have or couldn’t have because you will only get to experience this phase of your life once. So, take it all in as it comes with a beautiful smile because soon you will be in your old age, sipping on your Chamomile tea or your latte with extra sugar, on the balcony of the eleventh floor, and be thinking to yourself of how gorgeous life was when you were younger.