Manhar.

Manhar.

Manhar and I were friends since we were babies. I have a very vague memory of him now so much so that I barely remember how he looked back then, but I do know that we were really close. We spent all our time together and he was the only guy amma didn’t mind me being friends with. In fact, my mom loved him! He was a great influence after all. A quiet kid, too mature for his age, always super kind to everybody. She wanted me to learn something from him so she made me hangout with him every day. But to me he wasn’t the “good kid”, he was infact the most annoying person I’d ever known! We would sit to do the homework together and while packing my bag, he would distract me and I’d forget to pack the book only to realise it the next day. On days I’d simply be walking and he’d put his leg forward and I’d trip and fall. And when I complained about him to mom, she’d be like “You should’ve been more careful, you cannot blame everything on that poor kid”, and he would be standing in the corner laughing at me. I’d then chase him around the entire house but he’d be too fast. However, I could not stay mad at him for too long. He wouldn’t let me. The dude was so charming, I would just melt. The best thing about Manhar was that he was indeed a great friend. I could talk to him about absolutely anything and he would listen to me as if I was the most important thing in the world. He would sit beside me without complaining, while I ranted, raged, stormed and cried for hours. Neither did he ever interrupt me while I did that. All he did was smile and say that it’d all be okay and I would believe him. I remember when I first told him that I loved Kabir, he wasn’t very happy. But when we broke up, he never said “I told you so”. Instead, he stood by me while I went through it. Manhar has taught me to fight battles that I never imagined I could stand, let alone triumph. And he made sure he held my hand through it all, even at the times I wasn’t talking to him. The things I didn’t tell anyone, he knew. I couldn’t hide anything from him. He’d figure it out, anyway. He was indeed, like my mom used to say, too mature for his age. Manhar has been my parent’s favourite. And why wouldn’t he be, he had the most infectious charisma. But I knew I was his. He would always find me in the busiest of crowds. His eyes, always set on me, looking out for me, as if they would never let me go out of their sight. 

But then life happened and we grew up. Rather grew apart. I moved from school to college and from old friends to new. You know how it is with old friends right? You promise to be in touch but fail to keep it. I was too young and naïve to understand how rare it is to find someone like Manhar. Back then, I was too “cool” to be friends with him because nobody my age really liked him. And because I didn’t want to be left out, I stopped talking to him. Kids are really stupid, aren’t they? Manhar tried to reach out but I turned a blind eye. He was too old school for me then, but he was only too pure. At first nothing changed but soon it started to take a toll on me. I missed my best friend. I missed how he irritated the life out of me but still sat like a doll to listen to me when I needed him. I didn’t realise when it was too late and I’d learnt to live without him. We all do, after a point in time. Maybe it is human tendency to adapt? I didn’t have the courage to face him or to apologize so I chose the easy way out and just let it be. But I would sometimes just picture him next to me and talk to him as if nothing had changed. But that didn’t work in the long run. It was really frustrating and was getting to me. It was as if I was in a long-distance relationship in the era of no phones or even letters? I didn’t know what else to do. But I also knew he could hear me. Manhar was really smart. He would always understand me, without me having to utter a word. Maybe I somewhere knew that this telepathy would work. So, I kept it going.

Covid 2020

We had so much time at our hands for self-reflection and rightly so, I did some. But it is one thing to realise your mistake and another to do something about it. I chose to watch the Mahabharat show instead. And one day, when I was at the end of an episode, he called. And me being me, disconnected it. I know, quite brutal. But Manhar didn’t give up. He called me every day while I watched the episode till, I finally picked up. But mind you, I still hadn’t apologized. Neither did he expect it. I knew we had to break the ice but I just didn’t know where to start. But Manhar always has his ways. He spoke to Shikha to get me to his home so that we could talk, because he knew if he asked me, I would never go. 

After Lockdown 1.0

It was pouring that evening. My heart was pounding when we reached. I didn’t even remember when was the last time I was here but I did, very vividly remember, all the moments I spent at his home. I could hear my pulse get louder and louder with every step I took. We took off our sandals and as soon as I set a foot in, a cool breeze blew over my face and calmed me down instantly. I looked around and it seemed as though a festival was being celebrated. I didn’t expect so many people to be there. I wanted to have a chat with my best friend in private and apologize. Why did he call me today? But I also always trusted his timing. Everyone seemed to be so joyful, lost in their own world of happiness as if nothing else in this world mattered. People were dancing, singing, playing all sorts of games but my eyes were only looking out for him. I knew he was in that room, somewhere amongst us, maybe disguised as somebody else just to prank me. Maybe he’s standing right behind us? Nope. Maybe he’s watching me from a spot, waiting for the right time to jump scare me. Or maybe he is a little angry at me for the way I acted years ago. Just then, someone rang the bell and the sound broke my trail of thoughts. And just like a movie, a song started playing in the background and everyone started singing. A shankh was blown, the curtains opened and there he was. The ever so gorgeous Manhar, standing alongside his even more beautiful beloved. He was dressed in a Golden dhoti, covered in various ornaments that I can’t even start naming. He is pretty aware of the chaos his beauty causes and he takes full advantage of that! Pearls around his neck, earrings, bracelets, a crown with a peacock feather delicately yet firmly attached to it and oh! His flute that was decorated beautifully using different beads and pearls. And as if all of that wasn’t enough, he wore the one thing that significantly describes him. The thing that he never misses, even in the most difficult situations. The most enchanting smile anyone could ever wear, only to be humbled by an even prettier smile of his beloved. He stood there, smiling as bright as ever, as if reminding me what I have to worry about in this life when he’s there to hold my hand?

Everyone cheered but his eyes were focused on me, as always. Didn’t I tell you? I was his favourite. He looked at me and in his forever mischievous tone, said, “Couldn’t stay away from me, could you? Now tell me, how've you been?”. I sank to the ground, weeping into my hands. When I opened my eyes, he was right next to me, smiling. “I’m sorry” I could barely say but he put his palm on my head and said, “for what?” as if nothing had happened. How can he be just so perfect? But then I remembered who he was and laughed at myself. I didn’t find my best friend; he found me. My strength, my peace, my purpose. My Krishna, my everything. Manhar, the one who had completely taken over my heart. 

But what if I tell you he can be all yours too? Because he might be Manhar for me but Madhav for you or Govind for someone else. He can be in a human form with a face or just an energy in the universe. He can be light, he can be water, he can be wind, he can be rain. He can be your friend or the instructor. You might think he’s a character of your story, but darling, he’s the writer. He does have a million names because his relationship with each of his children is different. But how does it matter when he is all yours? I remember listening to this beautiful story once where to test who Krishna loves more, one of his friends told him that both Srimati Radha and Srimati Rukmini needed him the most at two different places and when they went to inspect, he was present at both places. Because he is God. He’ll be there for us even before we know we need him. And he’ll be there for all of us even at the same time. But we humans tend to be humans and don’t realise that all we need to do is truly believe in him and everything gets better. 

I remember I had stopped talking to him because my friends that time tried to reason his existence. And to fit into circles, I walked away from his. As in, wouldn’t all the crimes stop if he was actually there? I failed to understand that if it was indeed so easy for him, he wouldn’t have let Mahabharat happen. But he did. Because it was important, even if we fail to understand why. Maybe it was a research project on “how to deal with different situations in life” but if Vyas ji and Ganesh Ji just wrote it like that it would be too philosophical and nobody would read. So, they added a whole story to it to make it easier for us. Just maybe? Maybe it was to teach us that some things are grey. To teach us when to seek peace and when to fight. Maybe to tell us that when the world is against you but you have the Lord by your side, you can never lose. He taught us that all we need to do is close your eyes and call out his name and believe that he will come. And even before you open your eyes, he will be there.  

As humans, we have limited power to understand God and his ways of doing things. That gets us easily irritated because things aren’t going our way and that’s okay. We are humans after all. But we are focusing on the wrong thing here. Let me try to make it easier for you. Visit a religious place. Forget “God is everywhere, I do not have to go there to talk to him”. Just go. A very very special person helped me get closer to God the same way and I can never thank him enough for it. He taught me how important it is to pray every day and how it makes your life simpler almost immediately, with just pure faith. When I had my issues with God, I still believed in a power of the universe. No deities, no temples. But trust me, it isn’t the same. With our teeny tiny human minds, we aren’t focused enough to talk to that power. And with social media, our attention span is shorter than that of a two-year-old. It is just so much easier to talk to someone when they’re in front of you! Maybe that’s why deities are important. And we cannot do long-distance with God. That is why religious places are important. It erases the distance. Have you experienced the energy in temples that is so pure and holy because everyone goes there will a single purpose- to meet him. I haven’t had the chance to visit all religious places but I have been to a few and with experience as my witness I can tell you, there is no feeling in the world like it.

Have you ever seen devotees pray? Each of them has their own way to talk to the Lord. Some dance, while some sing. Some chant; some have full-fledged conversations. Some consider him to be their teacher, the others their son, some their brother and some their friend. And lord, the dearest, accepts and embraces each form of love. Temples have the healing power in abundance. There is a very powerful scene in the movie ‘life of pi’ where at the dining table his mom says, science can explain what happens out there but religion explains what happens in here. Inside us. Whatever science says about these places and its “positive vibes” might be true or even false but what I feel inside me when I visit one, is all that should matter to me right? 

Watch the devotees pray. It is the most amazing scene to witness. You can see a man forget all his worries in the holy abode of Krishna and chant his name while joyously clapping at every beat. A mom who is looking at Krishna with anger and hope and starts to cry right after, as if she heard him say, I’ll make it better. A little kid laughing while looking at the Lord as if Krishna is making funny faces back at him. A young guy who has given up every materialistic thing in the world to get closer to God and you can see that it works for him. A man who’s come to pray but only prays for his family and forgets to pray for himself. And amongst all of them is girl in her twenties, away from home, struggling with life in general coming to seek answers. She’s looking at him with questions and can almost hear him say “Pehle bata kaisi hai tu?” He teases her, makes her laugh and then sits with her for as long as she wants, till she finishes crying. He waits and he listens. He doesn’t resolve, he just says “main hoon na?” Then she trusts him like a child trusts her father. Like a girl trusts her best friend. Like a devotee trusts her Lord. And when she returns back, she’s feeling lighter but powerful. Relieved but confident. Because she has God looking after her. 

And if I feel all that after just praying, if the weight on my chest softens, even for a moment: why should anything else matter? The debates, the contradictions, the want to understand it all. The arguments between believers and non-believers, the politics tangled in faith. They all start to feel like noise, when your heart just wants to rest. Maybe it’s all a lie. Maybe He doesn’t exist. Maybe it’s just a story passed down by people trying to make sense of life. But if that story makes me softer, if it teaches me to pause, to feel grateful, to trust, then isn’t that enough? Sometimes, truth isn’t what you can prove. It’s what brings you peace. And he brings me that.

I still have my issues with God sometimes. Just like you fight with your best friend? Not much time ago, I almost lost my job. I was chosen for an international posting but my visa wasn’t getting through due to a fault of my own. I tried everything in my power to fix it. Everything. But nothing worked. I was getting restless and losing hope. Four months already without a job and I didn’t know how much longer it was going to go on for. It was getting to me and I was frustrated like I’d never been. So, I did what girls do the best when they’re mad- I stopped talking to him. I knew he couldn’t see me like that. Then out of nowhere my family convinces me to go on a trip to Thailand in the middle of this mess and I somehow say yes. At this point I’d given up all hope and thought maybe I should clear my mind before I decide what to do next. And on the last day of my trip I receive a call that they tried another way to get my visa and that worked and I had to be in Maldives in a week. WHAT IN THE UNIVERSE?! Krishna not only made me realise my mistake and taught me a lesson, but also made me go on my first international trip and decided to tell me on the last day that everything worked out. Look at his plot twists!

Krishna is a strict parent sometimes. But otherwise, he is a cutie. Days later I went to Iskon and sat there for an hour just singing with love and it released all my stress. Now that I think of it, I don’t really remember when Manhar made that space in my heart for himself. But before I could understand, we were inseparable. How can this feeling be wrong? He didn’t wait for me to find him. He came looking for me. God, came looking for me. 

When I went to Iskon that day with Shikha, I swear I stepped into a different universe. A major energy shift happened around me and something changed in me for the extreme better. A belief was firmly instilled in me. The long distance that day had come to an end. It was a celebration indeed! Everyone was dancing around in his name and singing as joyfully as anyone ever could. And just then a devotee blew the shankh and the curtains opened to the most delightful reunion ever! I saw him and he saw me and we knew this was it. I didn’t notice when I had started weeping. Shikha beside me was a little confused. But she probably noticed the divine intervention too and smiled.

From that day till today, again, whenever anything good or bad happens in my life, the first person I tell is Manhar. Not that he doesn’t know already but somehow it feels better when I do. Our friendship is so much stronger now, so much more different, so much more mature. I cannot begin to explain how much he has helped me grow. And the most importantly, he’s taught me the meaning of what is dearest to me. Love. This cannot be explained but only experienced. And I’m blessed to be one of those who can. He’s my everything. The one who irritates me the most, the cutest and the funniest comedian I know. The one who gets me stuck in traffic when I’m late for work, makes me forget my ID when I have a flight, makes it rain when I’ve straightened my hair, makes me trip and fall and laughs at me the loudest! But I laugh back now. I have realised that it is his way of telling me that he misses me and wants me to talk to him. His way of showing me that he is always watching me. That he is right where I am. He does put me in trouble, throws me into battles I’m not prepared for, lets me do stupid mistakes but when I need him, I just have to look up and I can instantly hear him say “Main hoon na?” and just like that all my worries dissolve into thin air. 

So, to all my fellow readers who are lost, wake up! He is looking for you! All you have to do is pay attention. He’ll find you just like he found me. He’s trying to talk to you just like he spoke to me, through Mahabharat. Maybe he’s speaking to you through wind, through rain or through me! Listen carefully, he’s calling out to you. Don’t disconnect, pick up! It is time things get better for you. Talk to him, he listens. Ask him questions, he answers. Tease him, he laughs. Blame him, he accepts. But PLEASE stretch your hand out, because when He holds, he never leaves.